The other day I find out that my Grandmother is in the hospital because she had a small stroke. I guess it wasn’t anything too serious, I’ve been told this happens to people as they get older and she’s 86. My grandfather on the other hand is about 89 and a PISTOL, and refuses to believe that he’s getting older. This is a man who was in the 101st airborne (& used to mail machine guns back home when he was in the war because he wanted to keep them), was a sharp shooter, was a game warden, was a logger, etc. This is also a man who turns his odometer backwards when he wants to sell a car and used to let my father drive when he was SEVEN, because my Grandfather wanted to take a nap on the way to wherever they were going.
So, when the doctors said that my Grandmother was going to have to stay in the hospital, he decided he needed his drivers license to go and visit her. Now when you work at the DMV and an 89 year old walks in & wants to legally be allowed to drive, you’ve got to wonder to yourself “is this such a good idea?” And when this 89 year old fails FOUR TIMES, how do you figure it’s ok to let him take it again? When he finally passes on his 5th time, you should have to put everyone in your town on orange alert.
So now my Grandfather has his drivers license, but he can’t use his legs so much because of all the wear and tear over the years. My Grandmother even has to help him put his shoes and socks on the morning because he can’t quite do it himself.
So one day, he decides to drive down to the hospital and walks in with just his socks on. He leaves his shoes at home because clearly you don’t need them if you’re just going to be walking around in a hospital – it’s sterile, people are used to patients with no shoes, ok fine.
The next day, he walks into the hospital with his shoes on. Everyone is wondering how he could possibly do this himself, and just as they are congratulating him, he reveals his secret: He saw a hitch hiker on the side of the road, told him he would take him anywhere, if only the guy put on his shoes for him! The hitch hiker obliged, got a ride, and viola, problem solved.
I love my Grandfather, but Lord help us.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Top 10 things you might hear/see/do when you're out with Kelli and I on a Saturday night
10. your taxi driver will seem normal until he gives you the reason you need to wear your seatbelt: molecules, lot’s of molecules. they move around, crash into each other, and do some other stuff too. (and this was our driver on the way to the bar!)
9. boy to kelli: “I love your lips….are you malato?” ummm…I don’t think that’s PC or something you're allowed to just ask people.
8. boy to me: “what kind of car to you drive? I just want to gauge your personality…” because you can’t just talk to me & figure it out!?
7. It’s ok if you’ve slept with the guy standing behind you & you don’t remember his name. it happens to the best of us
6. Don’t worry about sinning, the ‘program’ (we’re still not really sure what program this is), tells you to let everything just roll off your back. You can sin, they can sin, everywhere a sin sin... Imagine the possibilities…
5. Club owners who double as bartenders, who only charge you $15 for drinks all night & put on a fire breathing show are right up there with the Pope in my book.
4. “Samantha you’re so pretty,” “My name is Kelli”
3. When the night is winding down it’s best to just cut to the chase: “ok, what do you wana do now?” “Have sex?” “Yes.” Bonus points for when your ex texts you for a booty call and after you don’t respond he says “guess you found someone else for the night.” yes I did.
2. Sometimes you’re SO drunk in the morning that you put your boots on the wrong feet & walk around a little bit until you figure it out.
1. Sometimes when you’re super drunk in the morning, it’s possible that you can call a cab to get you, and you can’t remember the address, so you ask him to go to three different places before you get the right one. Even though you’re excited when the car pulls up (because yay, you’ve won!), they don’t like that.
9. boy to kelli: “I love your lips….are you malato?” ummm…I don’t think that’s PC or something you're allowed to just ask people.
8. boy to me: “what kind of car to you drive? I just want to gauge your personality…” because you can’t just talk to me & figure it out!?
7. It’s ok if you’ve slept with the guy standing behind you & you don’t remember his name. it happens to the best of us
6. Don’t worry about sinning, the ‘program’ (we’re still not really sure what program this is), tells you to let everything just roll off your back. You can sin, they can sin, everywhere a sin sin... Imagine the possibilities…
5. Club owners who double as bartenders, who only charge you $15 for drinks all night & put on a fire breathing show are right up there with the Pope in my book.
4. “Samantha you’re so pretty,” “My name is Kelli”
3. When the night is winding down it’s best to just cut to the chase: “ok, what do you wana do now?” “Have sex?” “Yes.” Bonus points for when your ex texts you for a booty call and after you don’t respond he says “guess you found someone else for the night.” yes I did.
2. Sometimes you’re SO drunk in the morning that you put your boots on the wrong feet & walk around a little bit until you figure it out.
1. Sometimes when you’re super drunk in the morning, it’s possible that you can call a cab to get you, and you can’t remember the address, so you ask him to go to three different places before you get the right one. Even though you’re excited when the car pulls up (because yay, you’ve won!), they don’t like that.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Three Stooges
I am so not a girly girl, and do not like anything about Valentines Day. I hate the pink, the red, the flowers - hate it all. But the day always get's me to thinking about what jems I could have ended up spending this day with, and I feel a whole lot better about being single. Here are some of my favorites:
1. Z: doctor in training who believed that just because he knew what to do in the ER meant he knew about every other thing in the world as well. He was nice enough, but it's not ok to act like you're smarter or know more than me. One morning after a fight I woke up to find chocolate and cash sitting on my front table. I'm still not too sure what his angle was...to say "thanks for coming out, it was fun, but i'm cashing out," or "you're so pretty and skinny you deserve candy and money."
2. Ex-Con: yes you read that correctly. After dating for a couple weeks, I came to find out that he had recently been released into his parents custody after spending 4 years in prison. In my defense, I met him in a bar in Newport and did not expect to wake up one day to him talking to his parole officer. When he posted up at my house for a couple days I became extremely concerned for my safety, and sought advice from my BFF to move him out. Thankfully he responded positively when I told him I wasn't coming home due to the fact that she was having boy problems and I was "dead serious," he had to leave while I was going through this difficult time with her.
3. Diamond: one of my best friends, turned into, "let's sleep together...let's date...and let's pretend I'm totally into you." So what I thought was a good meaningful relationship given our past history and great chemistry, was a shammy sham sham. Somehow I was blind to the fact that he began to see his ex on the side & was a lying liar who lies. If that wasn't bad enough, he moved in with her - and then for some reason I believed it would be ok to have a full out prime time affair with him. I'm not kidding, hotel rooms during the day, him making up excuses as to why he couldn't come home...blah blah blah. But not to worry, after a couple of beers he likes to drive to my house in the middle of the night to try and make out with me...and ask how I would feel about attending his nuptuals. Valentines day I received a text from him saying "I love you Christi" followed up by another, "I'm not wasted." FAIL FAIL FAIL
I swear, my collective dating pool reads like the who's who of assholes.
1. Z: doctor in training who believed that just because he knew what to do in the ER meant he knew about every other thing in the world as well. He was nice enough, but it's not ok to act like you're smarter or know more than me. One morning after a fight I woke up to find chocolate and cash sitting on my front table. I'm still not too sure what his angle was...to say "thanks for coming out, it was fun, but i'm cashing out," or "you're so pretty and skinny you deserve candy and money."
2. Ex-Con: yes you read that correctly. After dating for a couple weeks, I came to find out that he had recently been released into his parents custody after spending 4 years in prison. In my defense, I met him in a bar in Newport and did not expect to wake up one day to him talking to his parole officer. When he posted up at my house for a couple days I became extremely concerned for my safety, and sought advice from my BFF to move him out. Thankfully he responded positively when I told him I wasn't coming home due to the fact that she was having boy problems and I was "dead serious," he had to leave while I was going through this difficult time with her.
3. Diamond: one of my best friends, turned into, "let's sleep together...let's date...and let's pretend I'm totally into you." So what I thought was a good meaningful relationship given our past history and great chemistry, was a shammy sham sham. Somehow I was blind to the fact that he began to see his ex on the side & was a lying liar who lies. If that wasn't bad enough, he moved in with her - and then for some reason I believed it would be ok to have a full out prime time affair with him. I'm not kidding, hotel rooms during the day, him making up excuses as to why he couldn't come home...blah blah blah. But not to worry, after a couple of beers he likes to drive to my house in the middle of the night to try and make out with me...and ask how I would feel about attending his nuptuals. Valentines day I received a text from him saying "I love you Christi" followed up by another, "I'm not wasted." FAIL FAIL FAIL
I swear, my collective dating pool reads like the who's who of assholes.
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