and then...

please also vote for spa central: http://kcra.cityvoter.com/spa-central-davis/biz/8843

:)

how is it possible to be this irritated on a wed?

i am so fed up with the following things:

1. conference calls. I would like to know why it is necessary to have a conf call every other day, right in the middle of my day, to discuss sales progress. newsflash: the more I’m on the phone, the more calls I can make, hence the more work I can get done. and side note: if I live in CA and you assign me a territory on the east coast, it is not ok for you to be surprised if I haven’t done all my paperwork by YOUR end of day. I’m not finished yet!

2. blue tooths. I have had enough of thinking that people are talking to ME.

3. daylight savings. I’m so confused, what exactly are we saving here? we are certainly not in charge of daylight, mother nature is, so what is the point in pretending that we affect what’s going on with the way earth and sun and time do their thing? (I know, very scientific)

4. being “late” every single month. I take BC pills religiously so wtf – this is becoming extremely stressful and costly. do you know how much money I’m shelling out for pee sticks just for peace of mind?!

5. when people break plans. plans are like reservations my friends, you make them so there is nothing/no one else that can take that spot. it is inappropriate to “reserve” someone and then to just not call or show. think about the Seinfeld episode with the car reservation – same thing!

**one thing that would make me happy today, would be for you to vote for the following bar as one of the best in my city: http://kcra.cityvoter.com/aura/biz/172821. I'm helping them with PR & it would be fantastic if I could get them up to #1!!

so you're sayin there's a chance...

the other night i heard one of the best lines i've ever heard:

"yeah i'd love to see you again, can i get your number? oh, but just fyi, i may not be available to hang out a lot. you see, i'm a marine biologist so i'm only in town a couple months out of the year. the rest of the time i'm in alaska studying the migration patterns of whales..."

this is one of the best excuses i've ever heard. kudos for whoever figured this one out, i mean it's not like you would ever really know until you got serious with the person, but then how could you, they're in "alaska" 1/2 the time.

awesome.

Shoeless Grandfather Alert

The other day I find out that my Grandmother is in the hospital because she had a small stroke. I guess it wasn’t anything too serious, I’ve been told this happens to people as they get older and she’s 86. My grandfather on the other hand is about 89 and a PISTOL, and refuses to believe that he’s getting older. This is a man who was in the 101st airborne (& used to mail machine guns back home when he was in the war because he wanted to keep them), was a sharp shooter, was a game warden, was a logger, etc. This is also a man who turns his odometer backwards when he wants to sell a car and used to let my father drive when he was SEVEN, because my Grandfather wanted to take a nap on the way to wherever they were going.

So, when the doctors said that my Grandmother was going to have to stay in the hospital, he decided he needed his drivers license to go and visit her. Now when you work at the DMV and an 89 year old walks in & wants to legally be allowed to drive, you’ve got to wonder to yourself “is this such a good idea?” And when this 89 year old fails FOUR TIMES, how do you figure it’s ok to let him take it again? When he finally passes on his 5th time, you should have to put everyone in your town on orange alert.

So now my Grandfather has his drivers license, but he can’t use his legs so much because of all the wear and tear over the years. My Grandmother even has to help him put his shoes and socks on the morning because he can’t quite do it himself.

So one day, he decides to drive down to the hospital and walks in with just his socks on. He leaves his shoes at home because clearly you don’t need them if you’re just going to be walking around in a hospital – it’s sterile, people are used to patients with no shoes, ok fine.

The next day, he walks into the hospital with his shoes on. Everyone is wondering how he could possibly do this himself, and just as they are congratulating him, he reveals his secret: He saw a hitch hiker on the side of the road, told him he would take him anywhere, if only the guy put on his shoes for him! The hitch hiker obliged, got a ride, and viola, problem solved.

I love my Grandfather, but Lord help us.

Top 10 things you might hear/see/do when you're out with Kelli and I on a Saturday night

10. your taxi driver will seem normal until he gives you the reason you need to wear your seatbelt: molecules, lot’s of molecules. they move around, crash into each other, and do some other stuff too. (and this was our driver on the way to the bar!)

9. boy to kelli: “I love your lips….are you malato?” ummm…I don’t think that’s PC or something you're allowed to just ask people.

8. boy to me: “what kind of car to you drive? I just want to gauge your personality…” because you can’t just talk to me & figure it out!?

7. It’s ok if you’ve slept with the guy standing behind you & you don’t remember his name. it happens to the best of us

6. Don’t worry about sinning, the ‘program’ (we’re still not really sure what program this is), tells you to let everything just roll off your back. You can sin, they can sin, everywhere a sin sin... Imagine the possibilities…

5. Club owners who double as bartenders, who only charge you $15 for drinks all night & put on a fire breathing show are right up there with the Pope in my book.

4. “Samantha you’re so pretty,” “My name is Kelli”

3. When the night is winding down it’s best to just cut to the chase: “ok, what do you wana do now?” “Have sex?” “Yes.” Bonus points for when your ex texts you for a booty call and after you don’t respond he says “guess you found someone else for the night.” yes I did.

2. Sometimes you’re SO drunk in the morning that you put your boots on the wrong feet & walk around a little bit until you figure it out.

1. Sometimes when you’re super drunk in the morning, it’s possible that you can call a cab to get you, and you can’t remember the address, so you ask him to go to three different places before you get the right one. Even though you’re excited when the car pulls up (because yay, you’ve won!), they don’t like that.

Three Stooges

I am so not a girly girl, and do not like anything about Valentines Day. I hate the pink, the red, the flowers - hate it all. But the day always get's me to thinking about what jems I could have ended up spending this day with, and I feel a whole lot better about being single. Here are some of my favorites:


1. Z: doctor in training who believed that just because he knew what to do in the ER meant he knew about every other thing in the world as well. He was nice enough, but it's not ok to act like you're smarter or know more than me. One morning after a fight I woke up to find chocolate and cash sitting on my front table. I'm still not too sure what his angle was...to say "thanks for coming out, it was fun, but i'm cashing out," or "you're so pretty and skinny you deserve candy and money."

2. Ex-Con: yes you read that correctly. After dating for a couple weeks, I came to find out that he had recently been released into his parents custody after spending 4 years in prison. In my defense, I met him in a bar in Newport and did not expect to wake up one day to him talking to his parole officer. When he posted up at my house for a couple days I became extremely concerned for my safety, and sought advice from my BFF to move him out. Thankfully he responded positively when I told him I wasn't coming home due to the fact that she was having boy problems and I was "dead serious," he had to leave while I was going through this difficult time with her.

3. Diamond: one of my best friends, turned into, "let's sleep together...let's date...and let's pretend I'm totally into you." So what I thought was a good meaningful relationship given our past history and great chemistry, was a shammy sham sham. Somehow I was blind to the fact that he began to see his ex on the side & was a lying liar who lies. If that wasn't bad enough, he moved in with her - and then for some reason I believed it would be ok to have a full out prime time affair with him. I'm not kidding, hotel rooms during the day, him making up excuses as to why he couldn't come home...blah blah blah. But not to worry, after a couple of beers he likes to drive to my house in the middle of the night to try and make out with me...and ask how I would feel about attending his nuptuals. Valentines day I received a text from him saying "I love you Christi" followed up by another, "I'm not wasted." FAIL FAIL FAIL

I swear, my collective dating pool reads like the who's who of assholes.

Hi, Nice To Meet You

This past weekend I spent in LA visiting friends and taking part in Guido’s 32nd birthday extravaganza. The 3 day shenanigans began at Los Toros, an outstanding restaurant where coincidentally I met Guido about 3 years ago. Being that I haven’t lived in LA for the past couple of years, I didn’t know many of the 20+ people there, so I slowly but surely began my quest to meet, greet, and be merry.

Of course everyone that Guido et al, is friends with, happen to be collectively the best group of people EVER. Let me repeat, EVER. I may even get BFF necklaces and buddy bracelets for all.

So here’s a little diddy, I’d like to tell, about a group of people I’ve come to know so well:

Our journey began at the Toros that is Los,
with a party that was the bombest of the bomb,
So good in fact, too many margs were drank
and my new friend Mami vom’d

I met Mr. Glor and the Z Clan, oh my
a family that was ever so witty
Armed with one dollar bills the party continued
at a Kitty that was ever so Shitty

Skid seemed to always be front and center
encouraging all to get lit
Shots upon shots, beers upon beers
we managed to build a bridge, and just get over it

There were football squares, with cash to be won
with McBride managing the dough
Yet he took it on the run babe, cause that’s the way he wants it babe
and made out like R.E.O.

I finally met the famous TJ
and a new friend I did get
Yet the deal was sealed in a karaoke song
when he serenaded just like Keith Sweat

I learned that the Ringleader and Lilo
touch themselves over and over again
They even name names, which was great entertainment
Especially amongst the men

So I’d like to thank Guido, and everyone else involved
for one of the best weekends ever
And I’ll go ahead and give a shout out to myself
for making a post that’s so clever

aressted development

I HAVE A WARRANT!!!

This is obviously not ok since I’m not a criminal. I’ve been in trouble for speeding – no warrant. I’ve been caught running a red light – no warrant. I’ve received a ticket for driving/parking the wrong way on the street – no warrant. But apparently, if you don’t change the address on your drivers license with the DMV – WARRANT.

So now I have to wait 3 seconds at every stop sign, signal every time I switch lanes, drive the exact speed limit, etc., so there is no reason for me to be pulled over & go to jail. I even have a bail amount already set if they do happen to throw me in the big house any time soon. All because my drivers license says I still live in Santa Monica and didn’t fix it in an expedient manner.

I’m off to court now and am gathering ideas as to how I will plead with the judge to drop my fine ($530!) So far…
1) I will cry.
2) I will show them that I receive mail at my new addy, so obviously I have changed the address on some level (thanks HW for this brilliant idea!)
3) I get separation anxiety and still live in SM in my heart

My hump day is ruined.

hello moto

as I sit here at work, trying to concentrate on things like how to properly promote Disney events – which I obviously should be taking very seriously and staying on top of – i cannot concentrate or motivate myself to do ANYTHING. I have successfully wasted an hour catching up on things like new failblog.org posts, Kendra Wilkinson’s engagement, and downloading random music. and the sad thing is that I came into the office at NOON! Soy un perdedor.

I need to motivate myself (& no, not that kind), but just can’t get my act together…what’s a girl to do!?

about last night: the good, the bad, and the ugly

the good: YAHOO!!! I’m so proud of our country and filled with hopes and dreams for the future!

The bad: I broke up with my boyfriend

The ugly: I left his house at 2:00am after his ex repeatedly called in the middle of the night & although he kept putting her thru to VM, he didn’t think it was a big deal. He furthermore said there was nothing wrong with continuing to talk to her (I’m a stickler on the whole ‘no talking to the ex’ rule & he knows this) and that I was taking our relationship “too seriously” if this upset me so much. WTF!? Not ok. And just a side note, he just returned from Vegas celebrating his bday & last night was the first time I had seen him in a week - being the glorious girlfriend that I am, I was extremely generous with regard to the gifts and for some reason decided that in lieu of paying bills I was going to buy presents. fail. I’m actually contemplating cancelling and getting a refund on the massage appt I booked for him…dead serious.

in my spare time, i'm a mento

reference to understand heading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3DX1ZQmq7o

Over the past several months I have increasingly found myself worrying about the state of, well….everything. This election has certainly become a heated one, as well as the most powerful and important one in history. So it baffles me that people can actually rally around a vice presidential candidate that declares when she gets into the white house she will do “mavericky” things. Her experience with foreign policy is based on the fact that she can see Russia from Alaska - with her binoculars of course. According to this rational I too have foreign policy experience because I’ve seen Switzerland from Italy.

So I’ve been trying to figure out how I can help to prevent such ignorance in the future. It’s just appalling to me that the Republican ticket actually has a following of believers, and I shudder at the thought of these mentally challenged people passing on their beliefs to others.

Enter my bright idea. Originally spurred on by the fact that I have to do community service because of a red light violation (apparently you can’t block out your front license plate and vin # - the cameras take pics of your back plate too), I began my hunt to be a good will ambassador. Since I’m not having children to pass my glorious morals, ideas, & famousity on to, I started to realize that I could actually imbed these things into SOMEONE ELSES child’s head!! Brilliant. So Monday I start project “anti-GOP” by taking mentoring a 4th grader at a local school and I couldn’t be more excited.

i got 5 on it (or not)

Imagine this: You’re on vaca in San Diego with your BFF”S, have an outstanding room at the W, have enjoyed a night of hob-knobbing on the rooftop bar, and wake up to your roomie announcing it was time to wake-n-bake. So far, so good with regard to the fun-o-meter.

At this point, you venture outside of the hotel and have actually managed to navigate your way to a diner where you and your peeps have filled yourself to the brim with a breakfast that could feed a small country.

Now in your state of well being, you start to slowly stroll back to the hotel, enjoying your surroundings. Clear sky, bright sun, window shopping, etc. You couldn’t be more content if you tried!

But then…you hear an odd noise behind you. It sounds like some kind of slapping and words are mumbled, but the noise gets louder and curiosity peaks. You turn around and there is your friend, in a slapping altercation with some random woman!

She is dirty and her clothes are disheveled, clearly a homeless person, and she is grabbing at your friend while he is fending her off with multiple hitting methods. OMG, WTF?! Everyone on the street was staring in disbelief – were we all really witnessing this random act of violent homeless aggression!? She was lunging, displaying the face of a man who was about to go into battle, and shouting, “Give me cash, give me cash!” When that didn’t work, she belted out, in her best warrior voice, “Give me cash – I MEAN IT!” Apparently she thought if she really meant it, it would make a difference and someone would hand over their wallet. Not so much. Then in the blink of an eye, she ran away, just as quickly as she appeared, realizing that no one had five on it. We all resumed our walk home in confusion and laughter, taking turns recounting the story in utter amusement. SD homeless – 0, Us – 1.

Pictured below, Choo, the victim:

along came paully

As an early 30-something who has increasingly become aware of the aging process, I’ve become ever more aware of the importance of my appearance. I’m dressing differently, eating differently, and botoxing differently (as in, I never had to until now). I’ve also started to look at relationships differently…and let’s face it, who doesn’t at this age. After all, gravity starts to work against you, naps become a habit, and you can no longer stay up until 6 in the morning (partying at the hotel, motel, holiday inn). So, I began to think that settling down might have to become my reality. After all, who wouldn’t like the comfort of a significant other to come home to and a constant in a world that has become unsteady?

Enter Mr. Ring, a situation I now like to call like to call my ring-around-the-rosie. (see http://www.funtrivia.com/askft/Question57190.html for further explanation) I had stability with Mr Ringaround - a glorious car, boat, a house, and all things shiny. Yet the thing we don’t realize in these rosie rings, is that the sparkly surface doesn’t hold a candle to the rust on the inside. So, after two years the relationship came to a screeching halt, an itchy sweater situation if you will, over a heated argument about garbage bags (yes you read that correctly), a spaghetti dish that was left in the sink too long (i.e. 10 min. after I had eaten off of it), and multiple discussions about his disappointment in my hair color.
The aftermath of this relationship of course brought to surface rage and utter disappointment in the opposite sex.

But then…Along came Paully. With trepidation I accepted his advances, even though he was client and I still don’t trust the assholes I refer to as men. Ahh! What’s a girl to do? Usually after exiting a relationship I like to slip into my alter ego and block out the pain with nonsense, chaos, and making out with random bouncers, bartenders, what have you. I figure that since I’m kind of a big deal, why not share the love.

Yet this new boy has become increasingly famous and I find myself not wanting to kick my shananigans into high gear, and instead revel in the fact that I’m actually dating a nice guy. So far, he’s actually a gentleman who also just happens to be a bail bondsman and bounty hunter (yeah yeah, “dog”) but can you say SEXY?! Seeing your man suit up with tre pound on his hip and teflon on his chest is definitely hot. But alas, there has to be a catch…isn’t there always? Brace yourself…my Paul, sweet Paul, is six years YOUNGER than me. So even though he’s gloriously famous, has a good head on his shoulders, and knows how to make me smile (in every sort of way), I still have to deal with the fact that when Paully came along, so did my cougar status. Yikes. Drink to the roaring 30’s.

lights, camera, action

Welcome to Famous True Stories, a place where everybody (can potentially) know your name. A place where you, the consumer, can enjoy 100%, grade A, Californian grown, interesting and true anecdotes. *some names and dates have been changed to protect the innocent*